So now it's again that time of year where the sun beats down, the heat drags, the humidity rages and I have no motivation to do much of anything--and suffer lame insomnia until the sun is rising. That's how I know that Summer is here.
I haven't done any work since the hot weather began and I feel really..stagnant. It's a common frustration that just seems to bleed into every aspect of my waking life. Not that sleep--when I do sleep--is of much comfort. My body aches to move about, but that's limited by the pain I've had in my foot for nearly two months. Fuckin' ridiculous thing. The only thing I can find online to figure out what's wrong could be a stress fracture. Ah, seriously, everything just pisses me off in summer. It's so frustrating. And the bank ripped away what little profits I had made off of the two shirts I sold and I never even got the notice because the freaking Post Office is screwing up again and now Represent's layout has turned to shit, making it really less appealing to potential customers than it was.. I swear I just wanna scream. Or cry. Probably more like cry. I think I'm just bitching because it gets my mind off of how miserable I feel right now. And I do. I feel miserable. And I don't really know what to say about it. It's the same old song, nothing new, but now and again I'm just hit really hard with how I feel and it's..this really stifling, suffocating feeling.
When it comes down to it, I'm just scared. About a great lot of many things and there's not a damn thing I can do about any of them. And I ask myself why I'm always so scared and I know a great primary reasoning is that I have no control over the things that scare me or the circumstances that surround the things that scare me. I can't stop time or slow it or prevent aging or disease or the great chasm of loneliness that I swear is eating me like a starving cannibal on hiatus, sucking me dry like a horde of mosquitoes or something. I just.. I don't know. BAHHHHHHHHHHHH. Pf.
I feel like it was just fall, barely winter and now it's already summer again. Already coming up on my anniversary again. And the time is just SWOOPING by. I'm bothered by it. A great deal. I'm binge watching old Gilmore Girls episodes and reminiscing about the days that I was a coffee addict and wondering what happened to me and my life. How'd I get this screwed up anyway. Why can't I get myself out of it? I'm trying. I thought I was doing well. I thought I was improving. Then a couple dozen employees more than usual and a lot of loud reconstruction noise at the grocery store and I'm burning up and in tears. I hate the part of myself that is like this, that has become like this. I wasn't always such a basket case, right? Or maybe I was and my inner basket case is just springing forth and coming out like this. Like that Lion in the old Paramount or MG or whatever it was film openings. Wanting to be someone else or different and scared of the fleeting life that I'm living now. And I'm so lonely like this. But what do I have to say to anyone else? I'm a pretty terrible conversationalist. I mean, I'd like to think I'm not, but I am. I just don't have anything worthwhile to say. I feel like the remainder in one of those annoying math problems. The answer is better without all that crap left over, but I'm the number left over and it's like.. Hey, where do I belong? I'm part of this world that doesn't really need me and I don't have much of a purpose, I just complicate and make a mess out of things, but you know.. I'd rather like to have a function. I really REALLY want to belong to something.. I don't know, more than this or more than myself or bigger than myself or something. But in a way that doesn't totally drive me crazy. Or maybe this is what crazy feels like. Who knows.
Anyway, enough bitching and complaining I guess. I just need to vent like this. It's funny, watching the world with their online journals and so-called blogs (God, I hate that fucking word) and on and on in order to make money or get popular or have attention or whatever.. But for me, what is this? Why do I put such terrible personal things here that I don't even say to friends? It's a good record for me to come back to now and again, see how crazy or stupid I was if I ever want to, but more than that.. I'm venting. I'm venting and ranting and hopefully, if there's anyone else out there as screwed up as I am, they'll see this and somehow both of our feelings will be validated. Hey, I'm not alone! This invisible ship is filled with broken people like myself! I think it's something like that. Even without speaking to one another, somehow that person will feel a little less like crap. A little more like they belong to some secret group of individuals who are like-minded (or like-emotioned?) and, without the need to reach out (because crazy people are bad enough, but crazy people in large groups are like a living zombie apocalypse), that person will feel..part of something. Not alone. Not bad or pathetic or broken or..WRONG somehow, but better.
Likely more often than not this won't be read or anyone reading will think I'm about as sane and right as a drunk mime with Parkinson's juggling knives, but that's okay. I guess it has to be okay. What other choice is there. All I know is that I'm alone, right now. And I am missing things and people who probably aren't even thinking of me back. And I wonder how I got like this. I miss the person I used to be. I think whatever confidence I had started to create for myself back in San Francisco has dissolved over time, slowly or suddenly or maybe slowly and then all at once suddenly.. I'm not sure, but somehow it's really hard to get that small shred back. And I want to do and be and make, but I keep fucking everything up. And it's just.. It sucks. It sucks and it's really lonely and I hate feeling this way and being this way and I try not to be, to pretend I'm not or to tell myself I can make me better, but I don't know that I can. And I'm just frustrated.
I have this little fear that started recently and is growing about the decisions that I make. What they've led to. What if's and whatnot. And I don't care what people say, this is how I prepare myself. These what-if's drive me crazy, but they also make me sane. Until something slaps me that I didn't ever consider before. I'm afraid I'll finally get a tiny piece of what I want, but it'll turn out to be very wrong for me and I'll be the only one who ends up miserable. It's happened before, so why wouldn't it now. I'm afraid of making the wrong choices continuously or of not wanting what I've been wanting up until now. It's confusing. And I'm scared. Of a great many things, but lately it's of my lack of connections to people. ..I'm just tired now. I don't even feel like thinking about it anymore. v.v
Okay, you crazy requesters, I sincerely apologize for being slower than grass growing or molasses or anything else slow, but I do promise I'll try to get your stuff done! I wish I could give you a time frame, but please forgive my incompetence thus far and please continue to be patient a bit longer. After all, it's free, right? ^.-
Time to slap up the queue, sorry it hasn't changed..
Active Queue: Updated: 6-20-2015
- Original character Hayley with her parents. *--75% Complete--*Hillygon
- WITCH based Original Characters Charlie Miller and sibling Kelly.Movie-Man
- Original pirate characters, 5 females, in either group or individual images. *Next up, 4 of 5*GalaxySeerNumber9
- Original Character in pairing with Marvel character Yondu.FantasyRebirth96
- Pokemon Mega Cerulean Charizardmanofcartoonmaster
- Scooby Doo's Daphne, terrified with wrists bound by chains and wearing swimsuit provided in reference.
- Picture of requester..joyfully hugging a bewildered troll while becoming slowly petrified..
(Yeah, that is still weird. I'm just not sure if I can do a troll justice..)SteveAnime
- Mitsuru Kirijo (Persona 3) and character Steve in swimsuits at the beach.