seiko

I feel like the universe punishes any form of happiness I find, then dangles new hope in front of me just to watch my plummet when it's taken away again.

Fuck you, Universe.

How much longer will I be sick for? I am frustrated in my own skin. I hate this feeling.

When you ask if I can manage, and I say I have no choice, it means fucking help me, I'm drowning here. So, please, fucking help me.

Every time I want something, some new form of shame makes me wish I hadn't.

Who does life have to be so fucking hard?

No, I don't always want to tell you something is wrong. But, should I have to? Shouldn't someone be able to just see me, really SEE me, and just tell?

It's probably a lot to ask for. Like kept promises, or honesty. Or hope.

Hello, 2024. I am not prepared for you, but that's life.

Zef has her second deflux procedure on Thursday the 11th. What a way to start the year. I feel anxious about it, but there are go good alternatives.

I finally started drawing again. Not much, but I will post them. I am also halfway through my first light novel. It takes place in different worlds, so I get to mess with peoples' heads, so that's kinda fun.

I am really stressed. And lonely. I made a few new friends--online--but they're basically kids, so I feel like I have to hold back. There's this invisible boundary I feel like I shouldn't cross, so I can't be completely at ease saying everything I want because I have that awareness that it could come across as a creeper.

When did life get so complicated? You can't even be friends with anybody without worrying people will think you're some kind of predator. That thought is on my mind sometimes when I chat with them. That lack of innocence that I know exists in the world can lessen the enjoyment of simple banter.

But these kids are pretty nice. They're people I would have liked as a kid. If only, right? But we can't ever go back.

I haven't been very well lately. I still have that covid cough from 2022 that comes and goes. I'm still having a constant battle with my depression that has been worse since just before Christmas.

I still have that child's thought of, "I want to go home." The adult me whispers back, " That place doesn't exist anymore."

I wish I could shake this feeling.

I miss Mindy. I miss Emile. Imiss the friends I had back in Jr High, Randy, especially, and the online friends in High school. I miss my classmates from AI, and I miss the me that tasted freedom and independence and felt proud. I miss having real hope for the future.

Sigh. Well, it is what it is.

When I was pregnant with Zef, I started getting this occasional terrible pain on my lower left, right down in the guts. It would hurt so bad I could barely move. I was told it was likely caused by the stretching from Zef developing and was normal.

After she was born, even at the 6 week checkup, I asked about it again, as I kept getting them. I was told it was normal because I was healing from the c-section and all the stuff that stretched was going back down to pre-pregnancy size. It persisted.

Nearly 5 years into these pains and I finally have answers--but only because I was told I would need one of those invasive uteral ultrasounds for cycle related issues.

My left ovary is enlarged, and is home to a cyst--the tormentor of my mysterious side-pains that come and go.

But wait--there's more!!

If you scan now, you'll also discover a wild fibroid. Hell, let's throw in some blood blisters in your uterine lining that are somewhat similar to endometriosis! And, as an added bonus, let's give you some internal swelling!

...

Sigh.

They will need to do a surgery to oblate my lining--a fancy way of saying to burn it all away.

I guess, at least, it's not cancer.

Stopping my cycle, burning all the lining.. I'm not new here. Any idiot would see it will throw me into the maternal family cycle of early menopause--something I have already had symptoms of since Zef came into the picture.

There were a thousand reasons I didn't want to have another child, but, once again, I find that choice taken from me. I mourned the choice all over again. I'm coming to terms, thanks to the power of logic...but I think some hidden part of me must have actually entertained the idea. I guess we never really know ourselves as well as we think.

Zef had her VCUG repeat on Halloween morning. Her right kidney is slightly enlarged and still has reflux, downgraded to grade 1. Her bladder, which should hold roughly 160ml for her age of 4, is the size of an adult's bladder, at a whopping 500ml.

They also have noticed inside she is, again, backed up--even though she never seems to have issues and evacuates daily. Dr. Palagiri wants to do another Deflux procedure on her to attempt to stop the reflux from continuing. He also wants her to see a Gastro doctor for her bowels. He thinks the frequent distention will weaken her bladder to incontinence if it isn't corrected.

Poor kid. It's always something.

I'm tired.

I don't have it in me to write more now. My birthday is in a week, winter is coming, and tge depression that worsens at that is starting to settle in. How much longer can I fight this low that threatens me? If not for Zef, I'd just let it take me.

I shouldn't write much. I'm disassociating something hard. I should've kept up with my daily logs.. So much has happened. Zef turning four, starting preschool, getting into my first car accident--with Zef--and the person just kept going.. My desk is covered with Zef's stuff again. =_=

I am tired. And I really miss talking to my friends. I also don't feel super social, so it's exasperating.

I need sleep.. How did October come so quickly?

Zef is four. I can hardly believe it. We took her to her first movie today in Arnold. She was pretty good for her first time! The new Seth Rogan Ninja Turtles movie. She wants to go back and see the Paw Patrol film in September.

We had orientation for Preschool last week at Head Start. Tuesday is open house and school starts next week. I already ran into one of her teachers at the store. True to form, it took me far too long to remember her--but I did eventually!

I miss Mindy something awful.

I'm actually terrified for when Zef starts school. This strange panic at having her away from me, all day.. It's too much. But I know she'll excel in school, and she can make real friends. I hope, anyway

Lately, this last week, Zef was asking me about death. Please, any gods that might actually exist, please don't let her be like me. That panic, that grief, please let her avoid it.

For the first time, she showed social awareness. She is afraid kids will laugh at her for how she looks. It broke my heart. How has self-image already begun as an issue?

Two years it'll be, but I still miss Emile. It's strange, but it's like how I would feel if I lost Mindy. Like a phantom limb, I have to stop myself when I see something or hear a song and think I want to tell him about that. I still don't understand what happened, but I hope he's doing well. Maybe he's finally happy. I hope so.

Even in spite of the cruel way he cut me off, I can't seem to be able to get mad at him. Just sad and...sort of resigned to the fact that my connections to other people may always be tenuous. Conditional, on their side.

I don't listen as much to the music I love that I shared with him. For a long time, I couldn't at all. I haven't drawn anything since. For a long time, I had stopped writing. It was like the bittom fell out on my depression and I let myself sink into it. Sometimes, I am just so tired of trying. Fighting. But with Zef, I don't have the luxury of properly grieving. And the future needs my attention.

Honestly, it's my autism group that's kept me sane. I found my people so late in life.

I need to shower, sleep, and write more tomor--soon. I plan to see a new A24 film on Tuesday, after Open House and before my psychiatrist appointment. I am gonna be exhausted.